TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically noted for historic society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed through the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. A few of the very best. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally from place. Intended by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour till the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable h2o. But yes, positive, let's have One more position where by American men can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst previous negotiations unsuccessful below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer you Everybody a set around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is comfortable energy," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It isn't that Trump should not open up a tower in a war zone. It really is that he need to prevent using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the venture, replied, "You understand, person, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent persons. Terrific tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory on the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping forms a giant Trump head noticeable from Area, a characteristic becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents plus the chin is… properly, categorized.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after finding the making's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.


"It can be not just unattractive. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Perplexing Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where by guests could ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, full with weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are Doubtful what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "For those who Bomb It, They Will Occur"


The advert campaign, lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Forever."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly Trump Tower Damascus divided. A the latest SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "the place's the closest elevator on the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is now attracting consideration from international traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage will likely contain:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room According to the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to view a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a lodge wherever my PTSD may have switch-down provider."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories advise:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It required a waterslide shaped just like the Structure. I gave it all three. You happen to be welcome."

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